With each teardrop falls a memory: a free-flowing river of our Love -Angie Weiland-Crosby
Grief - (n) Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death
I haven’t really sat in the murky waters of grief, in regard to my Mom’s passing, until the last month or so. It’s too much, to tell you the truth, it really is (sigh) Maybe that’s why I pushed it down because I KNEW it was going to hurt like a mutherf*cker, once I really allowed myself to go there.
Do you know where I do most of my crying? The shower...I hop into the rain booth at the end of each day and ball my eyes out! I do it with the hope that my tears mixed with the water streaming from the shower nozzle would make my eyes a little less swollen and my face not so blotchy to start the next day. After a few minutes, I’d say to myself, “Ok, that’s enough! Your eyelashes are going to fall out!” (True story)
They say your eyes are the window to your soul - Well, my eyes are sayin’, “You look sad Dano…Sad and tired (sigh) And how about a little more moisturizer around the eyes ;)”
Side note: There are numerous different tricks to help with puffy eyes - due to crying. Thank you, Pinterest! One of the best is cold spoons - There are a few in the freezer as I speak. Another is standing on your head for a few minutes - Not recommended with hardwood floors ;) It makes me chuckle when I think about all the shit I was doing this past summer to hide my swollen eyes…
There’s a song by Travis Meadows called Sideways, when you’ve got a minute have a listen. Although it’s a song about addiction, I feel it pertains to most things in life:
” …and it comes out in my silence
Sometimes unwanted tears
Comes out disguised as anger but it’s really fear
Push it down it comes out sideways…”
Pushing down the “feels”, in my opinion, isn’t a healthy way to process the loss of a loved one. If you don’t take the time, the hurt will most likely come out at the most inopportune time...On a good day, I have trouble regulating my emotions! During this grief period, I find myself wanting someone to say some sideways shit to me, just so I could come unglued. It was definitely time to take a step away from my day-to-day, so I wouldn’t accidentally throat-chop someone ;)
I planned my time off around Thanksgiving, which also happened to be my parents' wedding anniversary. They would have been married 52 years on October 11th and although they have spent the last 13 years apart for their anniversary, they are finally together again ♥️
When my Pops passed away, he wanted his ashes to be scattered where they met underneath the Cowichan Station Bridge - It’s a love story for the books:
My Mom (13) was kayaking down the Koksilah River and my Dad (12) offered to help her carry her kayak (Pretty smooth move, Pops ;). My Dad started spending so much time at my Mom’s, my Grandad said to him, “If you’re going to be here so much, I’m going to start putting you to work!” And the rest, as they say, is history ♥️
My Mom wanted to keep his ashes until she went so that she could be scattered with him. I was really hoping for a lot more time in between, but I guess it was the right time for her (sigh)
We gathered together on that beautiful sunshiny day, played some songs, cried a little, played some more songs and scattered their ashes into the river where they met so many years ago...
As my Mom so eloquently put it before she passed, “The show must go on!” Such a practical lady she was and I will be repeating that mantra for quite some time.
In closing, “Grief” is such a complicated emotion...It’s a roller coaster ride of ups, downs and gut-wrenching hurt. I’m absolutely devastated that my Mom is no longer here...It doesn’t even seem real. I do take solace in the fact that I really really believe they’re together again ♥️ In fact, I can see them quite clearly...They’re on the top deck of their boat, the “Sea Holly” - They’re happy, healthy and in their prime:) Waiving to all of us left on shore, saying, “It’s ok, we’re ok and you’re going to be ok too!”
To everyone who has had a loved one who left the party way too soon - I hope you eventually feel comfort in knowing that although they may not be here in physical form, they aren’t too far away. I’m not really sure what happens after we leave this earth but I CHOOSE to believe or maybe HOPE is a better word...I HOPE that there is another place, after here, where we all get to be together again ♥️
xx
Danielle
